Leap of Faith

I hear a lot about people’s pains. I find in my new life that my journey has made me seem approachable to many, like someone who can empathize with their troubles. I don’t mind talking and listening to those who need to talk, for the most part, because anything I can do to help someone is important. I also do see that for too many times, people like to talk and talk and talk. They don’t hear what I’m saying. They don’t want to stop talking about their pain, their loss, themselves.

Herein lies the fence that keeps us gated from the path to self discovery. We like to stay where we are because you can define the place you’re in – sad, depressed, alone, unhappy.

The fence is keeping you from looking at yourself and knowing you have to stop being selfish. The fence is evil because it keeps you from learning about yourself. Self discovery and self examination can be painful – often more painful than where you are now. So, many of us think we have to wallow in our misery. Some of us want to wallow in the dark.

God is on the other side of that fence. He is prodding us to see how life will be better again. He asks us to stop thinking about our pain and instead, we have to think about our place in this world. What can we do for others? What can you do to show others that God is there for them?

It is uncomfortable to move on. Jumping over that fence asks much of us. It requires us to not be selfish, to be more patient, and to be the kind of people Jesus wants us to be.

But it is in allowing ourselves to be fully open to Jesus in our hearts and spirits that we find peace, comfort and yes, purpose. We all have a purpose in this world. We all have so many things we can do for so many. Instead of what we want and what we think we need, you will find in Jesus the happiness that makes all those needs and wants so trivial. The peace and strength and purpose will be clearer, stronger, and more satisfying.

Jump that fence. Work on self examination. Find your purpose.

To one’s true self…

Love is patient;

love is kind;

It is not jealous;

It is not pompous, it is not inflated, It is not rude.

It does not seek its own interests;

It is not quick tempered;

It does not brood over injury;

It does not rejoice over wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never comes to an end.

I fall silent when I think of my daughter, who seems like only yesterday was alive and here. It’s been 2 1/2 years, and I can still imagine and pretend that she will walk through the front door to say “I’m home!” I walk by pictures of her in our home, and each time, I find her beauty and spirit breathtaking yet painfully so.

I think of what I have done in the past with her, lamented the times I was not patient, and upset that I can’t do anything more with her. It’s not helpful to do this, but it’s human nature. It’s also still a struggle to be a better parent with her siblings, despite knowing what happened to Allie.

When I use my name in the prayer above in place of the word “love,” I find myself deeply examining my relationship with God, my family and my circle. I see my shortcomings, my frailty, my inhibitions and sometimes, my bests. This prayer from the Corinthians is an unbelievably crucial gift for checking ourselves, for examining one’s conscience, and being vulnerable before God. Reminders to step back to look at one’s life once in a while is an important step to remember who we are and what we believe.

God believes in us, that is so perfectly true. Our belief in Him, however, is tested each day. It’s because we are only human. God is merciful and kind. He wants us to always come to Him and to think of Him in all we do. I am at peace in believing He has my daughter. He had seen her pain, how she was not in her right mind when she took her life, and wrapped her in His warm embrace. I know this because I’ve felt it. I know it because I feel Allie is content, happy and at peace. I know it. I believe.

“I have come into the world as a Light so that anyone who believes in Me should not stay in darkness.” John 12:46

It’s normal to be irritated with life. Life never goes the way you want or plan. I’m starting to subscribe to the theory (yes, despite my old age) that if I plan something I don’t want, will my real plans come to fruition??

There’s something to be said about positive outlooks, but there are days, as you all may know, when you just don’t give a flying #$*. It’s only Tuesday and my plans for a good week already went awry. So now, everyone irritates me for no reason. I’m impatient for no good reason. It’s 75 degrees and sunny, yet my mood is dismal. My life is going just fine, despite what my family and I have been through. I just can’t shake this defeatist attitude.

I’ve started sewing, and that’s been a reliever. I wonder how everyone else shakes these low days off their backs.

I thought about walking. I just put my head down until that feeling goes away. Same with reading. I can read a good mystery but only with spicy cheetos, and that’s not ultimately helpful.

I prayed this morning for 30 minutes. I started at 5:30 am. When I opened my eyes from prayer, it was sunrise and just beautiful. Yet, with such a glorious start, I got dark.

What I hope to see is tomorrow, and that tomorrow will be better. Each time I feel low, I do think, “sure, it’s going to be ok; I can be low and irritable today.” I will try not to hurt anyone’s feelings today while I’m in this mood. I just need to get to tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day. The next day is a good chance to do good and be better.

There are a lot of kids who are so low these days. I wish I can remind them that there is a tomorrow. I pray their tomorrow will be brighter. I hope people will see that tomorrow is another chance to live better. It gets depressing when you’re isolated physically and socially. Sometimes waiting for that tomorrow seems pointless, when that tomorrow seems the same as yesterday.

What CAN make tomorrow different from today is in your thoughts and actions. I myself will try to add something to my day tomorrow that will “spice” things up. I’m hoping that will shake that darkness away and add light to the day. It sometimes only takes one small act of kindness, one gesture of patience or one dose of recognition to make someone’s day. Take that walk, eat those cheetos, call a friend, donate food/clothes. Do something tomorrow so it won’t be the same as today. Hold the door for someone walking in. Smile as you walk by someone else. Listen to good music, etc, etc.

It’s ok not to be ok. It’s also ok to stop feeling sad. Don’t feel guilty for feeling good. I know I’ve had to shake that. I know Allie would have wanted me to feel good.