Half-full or empty…

A young person once asked me to say something inspiring to her, because she was feeling low. “Tell me something profound,” she pleaded.

I stared at her and said that’s not how it works. She apologized, but I know she needed help. I’m glad she reached out, but I know I have my limits.

There are days when I am numb and blank. Just staring at nothing, thinking of nothing, feeling nothing but emptiness. It started about a year ago, and it was just one of those things where I couldn’t even think.

Maybe I’m tired. I’m probably spent with all the heartache and tears. Grief is exhausting, and I know I don’t have any more to give. I want my Allie back. I just want her to come home. That is all I want.

When someone tells me how amazing it is that I am doing something for Allie’s honor, I just don’t know what that is I am supposedly doing. Is this comment just empty platitude for the sake of saying something? I’m not judging the person who says it; I know the comment comes from a good heart. I just can’t see what’s going on. I can’t see the good. It is hard to see what good came from her taking her life.

I sound defeatist because I am. Tomorrow is the 3rd year that we lost our girl. I relive each moment. I remember each gut-wrenching second. It feels like yesterday, yet so long ago.

I hope everyone who knew her is going strong. I pray that everyone around her will continue to grow bigger and better. It’s such an awful experience, and I know those in the midst of their despair can’t think of anything but to end it.

I have nothing profound to say here. I am just a bit lost these days. I’m praying and hoping this will pass after this weekend. Maybe my life just will hum along at a pace, and I will make the best of it for my surviving kids. I want them to grow and blossom. We are not defined by suicide. Allie is not defined by suicide. She leaves behind so many memories, and I hope I will be able to only focus on the good.

Where are you right now…

Depression is debilitating. I can’t move, think, or feel anything beyond my grief. Meds sometimes work, but sometimes, you can only take so much to numb yourself before it’s beyond repair.

I’m in need of something that I don’t know. I’m so lost and bereft. Yes I have to live – my children and husband need me to live so that they too will have a will to live. The emptiness, however, is never ending. I need something to make this end, even for just a moment.

I write a lot on this page about having faith, etc. Right now I have none. I have no outlook about the future other than we live, then we die. We live well to make our bodies feel safe, clean, content. Beyond life, I can’t see the hope that there is another life after this.

Yep, I am in a dark place. I’m not suicidal. I’m not going to hurt myself. But I’ve become disillusioned and jaded. I’m hopeless and cynical. I’m angry all the time and bitter. It’s not a good life, and I hate it. I miss my other self. I just can’t jump the stile to go back to the other side.

My family went on a vacation far from our usual spots. It’s very quiet here. Beautiful and peaceful. It has also shown me how lonely I am. Even with my husband, I’m alone in my grief. I need help, but don’t know where and with whom. I can’t even begin to pray, but I’m trying.

I hope I can shake off this despair. No I don’t watch the news or read it. I keep looking at the sky to find something to lift me. It’s a beautiful sight, but I’m in so dark that I can’t see the lights.

Pray for me for mercy and hope. I am so low. I hate my pity party, but I cannot believe how this evil burden is holding me down so heavily. Pray and hope for myself isn’t possible right now, but I will keep trying. Your help will be most graciously appreciated. ❤️❤️

“I have come into the world as a Light so that anyone who believes in Me should not stay in darkness.” John 12:46

It’s normal to be irritated with life. Life never goes the way you want or plan. I’m starting to subscribe to the theory (yes, despite my old age) that if I plan something I don’t want, will my real plans come to fruition??

There’s something to be said about positive outlooks, but there are days, as you all may know, when you just don’t give a flying #$*. It’s only Tuesday and my plans for a good week already went awry. So now, everyone irritates me for no reason. I’m impatient for no good reason. It’s 75 degrees and sunny, yet my mood is dismal. My life is going just fine, despite what my family and I have been through. I just can’t shake this defeatist attitude.

I’ve started sewing, and that’s been a reliever. I wonder how everyone else shakes these low days off their backs.

I thought about walking. I just put my head down until that feeling goes away. Same with reading. I can read a good mystery but only with spicy cheetos, and that’s not ultimately helpful.

I prayed this morning for 30 minutes. I started at 5:30 am. When I opened my eyes from prayer, it was sunrise and just beautiful. Yet, with such a glorious start, I got dark.

What I hope to see is tomorrow, and that tomorrow will be better. Each time I feel low, I do think, “sure, it’s going to be ok; I can be low and irritable today.” I will try not to hurt anyone’s feelings today while I’m in this mood. I just need to get to tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day. The next day is a good chance to do good and be better.

There are a lot of kids who are so low these days. I wish I can remind them that there is a tomorrow. I pray their tomorrow will be brighter. I hope people will see that tomorrow is another chance to live better. It gets depressing when you’re isolated physically and socially. Sometimes waiting for that tomorrow seems pointless, when that tomorrow seems the same as yesterday.

What CAN make tomorrow different from today is in your thoughts and actions. I myself will try to add something to my day tomorrow that will “spice” things up. I’m hoping that will shake that darkness away and add light to the day. It sometimes only takes one small act of kindness, one gesture of patience or one dose of recognition to make someone’s day. Take that walk, eat those cheetos, call a friend, donate food/clothes. Do something tomorrow so it won’t be the same as today. Hold the door for someone walking in. Smile as you walk by someone else. Listen to good music, etc, etc.

It’s ok not to be ok. It’s also ok to stop feeling sad. Don’t feel guilty for feeling good. I know I’ve had to shake that. I know Allie would have wanted me to feel good.