ask me, tell me… I am listening

Depression is debilitating. I can’t move, think, or feel anything beyond my grief. Meds sometimes work, but sometimes, you can only take so much to numb yourself before it’s beyond repair.

I’m in need of something that I don’t know. I’m so lost and bereft. Yes I have to live – my children and husband need me to live so that they too will have a will to live. The emptiness, however, is never ending. I need something to make this end, even for just a moment.

I write a lot on this page about having faith, etc. Right now I have none. I have no outlook about the future other than we live, then we die. We live well to make our bodies feel safe, clean, content. Beyond life, I can’t see the hope that there is another life after this.

Yep, I am in a dark place. I’m not suicidal. I’m not going to hurt myself. But I’ve become disillusioned and jaded. I’m hopeless and cynical. I’m angry all the time and bitter. It’s not a good life, and I hate it. I miss my other self. I just can’t jump the stile to go back to the other side.

My family went on a vacation far from our usual spots. It’s very quiet here. Beautiful and peaceful. It has also shown me how lonely I am. Even with my husband, I’m alone in my grief. I need help, but don’t know where and with whom. I can’t even begin to pray, but I’m trying.

I hope I can shake off this despair. No I don’t watch the news or read it. I keep looking at the sky to find something to lift me. It’s a beautiful sight, but I’m in so dark that I can’t see the lights.

Pray for me for mercy and hope. I am so low. I hate my pity party, but I cannot believe how this evil burden is holding me down so heavily. Pray and hope for myself isn’t possible right now, but I will keep trying. Your help will be most graciously appreciated. ❤️❤️