Each day and each moment I don’t stop thinking of each person who mean so much to me. I didn’t use to do that, but I’ve learned. I miss those who I failed to know better and those who have passed away, especially Allie. This Christmas season I only wish for one thing. It is for the love of our Lord to fill my heart again and to give me peace and comfort. I hope the spirit of our generous and kind Lord will fill me and all of us, so we can all be kinder to each other, to watch out for each other, to respect and be patient, to be loving and considerate. It’s in the small actions that our lives are measured, whether we leave that cup of joe for someone else to pick up or if we hand an extra few dollars to the man on the corner, regardless of his needs.
Christmas was Allie’s favorite season, and she always marked it by playing Mariah Carey’s song and putting that Homer Simpson ornament on the tree. B has lovingly taken over these duties, and we create other memories now with Allie’s spirit in mind.
We are all so very grateful that God sent His Son Jesus to save us all. It is because of this glorious gift that we will all share in His eternal light together again. For you who feel lost and isolated, I hope you find some semblance of comfort in knowing many of us pray deeply for you. I may not know who you are or where you may be. I pray for your hearts, spirits and minds. There’s always someone who knows your pain and shares your wish to have a life again, filled with peace and joy. Lift your hearts and look around to see the glory God has made and the gift of our Lord coming soon!!
Our first year of losing Allie was brutal and gave us no reason for giving thanks. I was angry and bitter at everyone else who went about their business after Allie died, as if nothing happened. How dare people mark holidays with festivities and gifts, when there is so much pain and sorrow elsewhere?? I cried to myself why the world won’t just stop turning and moving because I need to just cry and cry and wail. Why don’t people understand how our lives are no longer what they were?
Two years later, and I think I finally have a grip of our new reality. For me, it has taken two years to realize she’s really not coming back. I miss her. So very much, and I need her. I’ve had dark throughts but thankfully have dismissed them quickly. God is kind, merciful and good in blessing us with beautiful children to live for. I don’t know what I would have done if Allie was our only child.
I wish I could tell everyone who lost their child that life can become beautiful again. Life won’t look like the beautiful you’ve experienced in the past; life will look beautiful in the knowledge that everything and everyone has a purpose, that the small issues are not worth the expenditure of effort, that each moment you touch a life is meaningful. Yes, life still won’t always look beautiful all the time after two years. It just becomes bearable enough that I find beauty again in the living.
The journey without a child drags for what seems like 2020 times two. I’ve felt like each day filled me with a dread of pain and anxiety, only to stop and look back at how so many things transpired in that short period of time. And two years is a short time span. For many, two years is the difference between having a high school junior and a college freshman or a baby in diapers to toddler running in circles. But for a parent who lost their child, two years is all to short, all too recent, and all too empty at times.
But in these two years, I’ve seen glimmers of hope and love. Happiness comes, and I have allowed myself to swim in that happiness without feeling the guilt that my daughter is gone and can’t be happy with me. I pray and pray, even when my belief in my faith has wavered. I have to pray and keep believing, because that’s the only way I can know that I have a chance to see my girl again – my happy-go-lucky girl, with her big bright smile, infectious laugh, and boundless energy. I can’t wait to see her again someday.
I’ve met two mothers who have each lamented about their children undergoing deep emotional and physical distress. They call it an evil presence invading their children’s being, taking over the minds and body, creating havoc, pain, thoughts of suicide and sometimes becoming physically violent.
I don’t purport to be a therapist or an expert on mental health. How this falls into my lap is strange to me, but I’ve looked at this site (see below) for guidance on how to direct the mothers where to find help. If you know someone struggling with this kind of behavior, maybe the information Anna Lente (see LINK below) posted on the website The Mighty can help.
Please note that you will be directed to a different website. As always, I have no control over the content and information they are posting on their site. I have visited the site by the way. The information Anna posted is for your information, but not meant as an endorsement by me.
By Anna Lente
@annalente, Contributor; I want to raise awareness about mental illness. I am a poet, artist, and licensed community mental health counselor. I have a blog on Psych Central called Counseling Confidential.blogs.psychcentral.com/counseling-confidential