ask me, tell me… I am listening

In the last three years, I’ve learned how to laugh and sing again. I may sound loud and carefree, but I stop many times to feel my heart beating. I need to remind myself to Live.

I’ve learned in the last three years that my tears will never dry. I may skip a day or two, but I will always cry.

In the last three years, I’ve learned to keep my heart off my sleeve. My stomach is in knots – constantly – yet I eat and drink like normal. I keep my emotions in check, especially when I talk with people who start telling me their sorrows.

My daughter is having another birthday in heaven. I wish we were together. It will likely be glorious to celebrate surrounded by angels and saints, with pure love and joy. Here, we will eat another Emporium Pie, watch some SpongeBob episodes, drive around and sing at the top of our lungs just like Allie always did, and then pray very deeply.

For three years, I despaired and cried. I’ve learned to be brave. For my kids I’ve learned to be strong. For my husband I’ve learned to let things go and to highlight the important things. For my friends, I’ve learned to be more giving, patient and more carefree.

Life was never going to be easy for anyone. Life isn’t Instagram worthy. Somehow, after all we’ve been through, we manage to find joy. For all I’ve felt, I found God is in every corner and niche. I’ve felt His love and His sympathy. I’ve accepted the truth and His promise that We will be together again someday in heaven. I just have to work harder to make it.

These are all I have left of my girl. Sweet memories and beautiful pictures. There’s her phone, laptop, jewelry, softball bats and workout clothes. i have her drawings and artwork from her school days. I ran out of her perfume but I can sometimes still smell her scent among her things.

Allie was my first daughter. i recall feeling so happy while I carried her for 9 months. I had her crib next to my bed for months. She always crawled down from her crib and play with her toys underneath.

In the last three years, I’ve learned to live with my loss. I hate every minute of it. I hate living without her. I may smile outwardly, but at every moment I am thinking of her. I am constantly just a bit sad, and there’s always that feeling of loss and emptiness in my heart.

Yet, in the last three years, I am learning to love life again. Knowing Allie is in God’s embrace , forever finding the peace she longed for, has quelled my fears and distress. I’ve learned I will always, always cry and search for her. I learned there’s no clear answers to our questions. Much like we search for meaning in our lives, the answer is always with Him. He has our Allie. He loves her as much as He loves all of us.

In the meantime, for the many years to come, I will always remember her. I will always long for her. I will always cry for her. And I will always, always celebrate her because she was mine. She was the loving amazing daughter God gave me.