Half-full or empty…

A young person once asked me to say something inspiring to her, because she was feeling low. “Tell me something profound,” she pleaded.

I stared at her and said that’s not how it works. She apologized, but I know she needed help. I’m glad she reached out, but I know I have my limits.

There are days when I am numb and blank. Just staring at nothing, thinking of nothing, feeling nothing but emptiness. It started about a year ago, and it was just one of those things where I couldn’t even think.

Maybe I’m tired. I’m probably spent with all the heartache and tears. Grief is exhausting, and I know I don’t have any more to give. I want my Allie back. I just want her to come home. That is all I want.

When someone tells me how amazing it is that I am doing something for Allie’s honor, I just don’t know what that is I am supposedly doing. Is this comment just empty platitude for the sake of saying something? I’m not judging the person who says it; I know the comment comes from a good heart. I just can’t see what’s going on. I can’t see the good. It is hard to see what good came from her taking her life.

I sound defeatist because I am. Tomorrow is the 3rd year that we lost our girl. I relive each moment. I remember each gut-wrenching second. It feels like yesterday, yet so long ago.

I hope everyone who knew her is going strong. I pray that everyone around her will continue to grow bigger and better. It’s such an awful experience, and I know those in the midst of their despair can’t think of anything but to end it.

I have nothing profound to say here. I am just a bit lost these days. I’m praying and hoping this will pass after this weekend. Maybe my life just will hum along at a pace, and I will make the best of it for my surviving kids. I want them to grow and blossom. We are not defined by suicide. Allie is not defined by suicide. She leaves behind so many memories, and I hope I will be able to only focus on the good.

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