There is nothing worst in this life than regret. Of course, I have, as many of you do, many regrets. What is worst, actually, is emptiness. When you no longer have the faith, will or energy, that emptiness in our stomach fills your soul, well that is the worst.
Despite all my blessings (and I still have sooo many), I linger on my daughter’s absence. The emptiness and longing gets overwhelming. I can sit in one place all day and just be empty. I would be ok with that if I could, but God is merciful in giving me my other kids and husband who keep me moving.
When that emptiness hits, and I just want to sit and cry, I also lose my hope and faith. I believe in God, Jesus, Mary, et al, but I wonder at the hope of seeing my girl again. Where is she? I felt her so strongly right after she passed away. Where is that feeling now?? Was that just my mind playing tricks? Am I becoming psychotic thinking about this all the time??
I’ve been in a rut for a couple of weeks. I have questioned the resurrection of our souls, and I reverted to plain human science to account for my thoughts. I turned my face away from what I know about God and His love. I thought I would never see Allie again, and life is just life – when it’s over, it’s over.
This morning, I was, as usual, awake way too early than I wanted. I was sitting on the couch with the dog, just thinking of nothingness and feeling empty. I heard some plates clanging in the kitchen nearby. I thought that unusual since everyone was still asleep, and the only person who would do that is Allie. Then I hear a voice, ever so clear, say mom. Just “mom”.
I can excuse that as my mind playing tricks, etc. I am crying because I know it’s her. I know it’s God telling me it’s her. I know it’s a sign that there is hope and to keep the faith in Him. I don’t hear voices, believe me.
And while it could very well be my mind wanting to hear this, I will run with this and keep it to heart. I don’t get many signs anymore from Allie. In her first year away from us, I saw clouds shaped like the letter A. I heard my husband talking in his sleep in a voice so unfamiliar from his normal tone, saying “momma, I love you” over and over again. I would see yellow butterflies everywhere I looked. I don’t see those now really. It’s all very strange, yet it’s all so spiritually uplifting to think about how she makes her spiritual soul known to us. I can still hear her sitting next to me telling me “I’m sorry momma”. I can still feel her wrapping me in an embrace so powerful and all-encompassing as I’ve ever felt in my life just before we laid her to rest. It felt like she was giving me her one more big crush of love before she flew up.
It’s incredible if we connect to our faith and love. It’s imperative that we find our spirit in God. It’s the only real thing to keep us moving and encouraged. I am glad I didn’t give up and wallow in the emptiness. It is all to easy to do that. Evil makes it easy for us to give up. Evil also makes it hard for us to find the good. I’m going to keep fighting for that good, because I want to see God and my baby girl again someday.