ask me, tell me… I am listening

I started a 30 days of faith journey on facebook, but that platform doesn’t give me enough space to write my thoughts down. hence i’m going to start posting here my thoughts about God, “a personal exercise but i decided to share it with anyone who needs encouragement.”

my prayer today is from a mother warrior in charge of sending out prayer requests for healing, strength, etc. She’s not your everyday Karen. She lost her son at a young age, and she has since become a living saint among us, fortifying our souls when we need it most.

“Jesus, loving companion and faithful Savior, please be our healing and bring us to Your place of peace.”

I’ve been angry lately. Vicious and ugly angry. I’ve egged on people online whom I know will react and reject my opinions. I’ve laughed about it, and now I just feel dirty. I’ve felt dirty since then, yet I can’t make myself apologize. Instead I just deleted the thread of vile comments that started with my own. It’s not me. I can’t believe I did that.

Yet, I am afraid to apologize. I don’t know why. I prayed a lot about this, and I know I must apologize. I can’t seem to make myself see the humanity in the people I goaded. I’m sad and yet indifferent in a way.

Are most people feeling like this in the age of the pandemic?? As if we’ve all been waiting for something, someone, who will tell us what is next, what to expect. It’s a life of limbo. I can’t stand it. And I can’t seem to find God in me.

I can’t seem to find the good in the everyday any longer. I say the rosary almost every day, yet it takes so much concentration for me to really focus on the meaning of each prayer within that rosary. I think not being able to see the table of thanksgiving in Church has made me less connected to my faith. I’m missing this thread of love, serenity of being in His presence, and the comfort of His words.

We all need some peace. Some semblance of a future. There’s too many angry people, and too many are just lost. I pray we hear Him in our hearts. I pray we listen to His words. I will listen to Him, and I will amend my ways, starting with that apology right now.

Peace.